The Break-Up--Creating Connection with Our Teens
Staying Connected when our Teens Pull Away
Today, I want to share with you ONE key resource I used to hold the tenuous thread of connection with my son during that difficult time.
One ACTION I took that drew us closer, built trust and brought healing...when he was ready
I’m hoping that most people don’t have such an extreme example of the break-up that happens between moms and teens, but I also know I’m not alone. Regardless how loving or close we are as families…
Our teens WILL pull away.
They can say I horrible things, slam doors, or worse. They may seem to embrace the opposite of what we value and things can get heated! It’s called individuation and is a vital part of developing a stable identity apart from others--starting with us. When it doesn’t happen and there is no friction between us and them, it can actually be harmful to their developing into a healthy adult.
Still, It sucks for us moms.
It can feel like complete and utter rejection and disregard, including a lack of appreciation for all we’ve done (and continue to do) for them. We can wonder where we went wrong, or we can blame them. We can try to demand and force connection, but really, when does that ever work? Maybe outwardly they will comply, but the resentment takes a huge toll. Instead, I invite you to take heart. Just recognizing that it is a normal and useful part of development can be helpful. Even through this challenging time, though they often would vehemently deny it, they really still need us and want to know we love them.
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My Break Up Story
When my son turned 16, he texted us (from the backseat of the car) and said he needed to move out--and across the country to live with friends. There’s a long story behind that, but the short story is that after seriously considering what was best for him with therapists and family members and trusted friends, we chose to honor that request and sent him across the country—we are still so grateful for those friends’ parents who took him in.
I honestly didn’t know if I would ever really have a relationship with my son again when I said goodbye that day as he headed to the airport.(This song helped me cope.)
Fast forward 3 years--he’s 19 now, living once again in our home. Last night, he gave me a HUGE hug, sat cheerfully eating while chatting with me about his college classes and his car. There was a LOT that happened in those three years both for him and for me to bring us to this new and beautiful mom and son connection.
Thank goodness for growth and change.
How DO we create connection with our teens?
Especially when they shut us out? When they seem to reject our hugs, our help, our everything? Whether there is estrangement, strain or just normal teen stuff, how can we rebuild (or strengthen) the relationship and create a context where connection is possible?
Below you’ll find my FIRST Key Resource for Connection.
In our Mom 2 Mom series, I’ll share 4 more connection keys that are easy, practical, fun and most of all, effective. One for each of the 5 Love Languages and 5 Senses.
Texting with Wordswag
(Words of Affirmation and Sight)
Wordswag is an app where you can take an image and add words to it right from your phone. Images are FAR more powerful than words alone--they evoke emotion immediately. Consider--what do you feel when you see a picture of a puppy or sunrise?
Images speak to our deep subconscious.
Stealth Mom Mode:
We can sneak into our kids hearts visually without them even realizing it.
Add a quote of encouragement and you’ve got magic and a balm for their souls. Just like us, our kids struggle with believing in themselves. They wonder if they are ok. Valuable. Worthy.
Take some time to get creative relational credit into your relational bank account!
Through these text images, we can tell them things that they wouldn’t hear from us verbally. They might roll their eyes, but you better believe they will keep that text picture. They may not text back, but don’t worry. This is a bank account that builds interest. Keep at it. They need to hear this--with ZERO expectations from us. Much of our time as moms is spent saying, “No!”, or “Clean up your room,” or asking, “Did you do your homework or chores?” We can slip into a pattern where our kids assume if we are talking to them or texting them that they did something wrong, forgot something or are going to be told what to do. It happens to the best of us.
A few veteran Wordswag text tips:
Send these at SEPARATE times from a “clean your room” reminder text. Just the image.
If things are strained, don’t use pictures of them or you. There can be too much emotional baggage connected.
Use images of things that make THEM happy. My son LOVES dogs. So many of my images were of puppies.
Collect quotes and share inspiring ones.
Do not focus on what they DO or what they LOOK like. “Great job on the chores today!” That is still attached to earning value. Focus on WHO they are or better yet, who they are becoming.
Choose .Jpeg instead of .png—it texts better.
Creating connection doesn’t actually require anything of them at this point.
This is an opportunity to fill them up and show our love and support in a way that they can receive.
I hope this magical tool empowers you to reach, support and connect with your teens in a new way.
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